Black. Oh so black. Pain rose to me somewhere there in the dark. It burned across and down my back. It radiated from my head like a sickly red halo. Thoughts slowly assembled themselves and drifted back into my mind. They hurt, those thoughts, but suppressing them hurt even more.

Where was I? Why did the whole world feel like a dull pointed iron maiden? Oh yes, the battle, Durus, Gizette,... Benedict. In the distance I could here the clattering of Candent demons working. If I tried I'd have been able to understand what they were saying, but it wasn't worth the effort. I was safe... I supposed. My aunt was working to save the lives of her family. It was her primary goal, her purpose. She was sure of it. For her there was no doubts in this. I wondered what that was like. In the days since I woke from my mothers vigil, I had held certainty and resolution in my hands only to lose them the moment opportunity arose.

In the Grove of the Unicorn,

In the meeting with Gerard and my cousins,

Fighting Benedict,

During each of these times, I was sure of what to do only to doubt it seconds, minutes, or even moments later. Why was I not able to choose my path? When had I become so uncertain?

I had traveled to the Grove of The Unicorn to make my war declaration to the King. I would kill the symbol of Amber and send him its head. She had not shown, of course. I guess I should have figured. Her messenger, however, had approached me. It would have been enough to kill her. I knew it. Instead, I hesitated and spoke my intentions to her. With that she had vanished. Perhaps she would have vanished anyway. She was quite fast. However, that didn't matter. There was uncertainty where before there was none. There needn't have been a word spoken between us, only a spit second of steel.

In the meeting with Gerard and everyone else, once again I was resolute. I knew not mercy nor compassion. I believe I may have been a horror to those around me, yet some of them accepted me still. Gerard did, at least. At that time I would have cut through every member of my family, every scion of Hendrake as well, if it meant a clear blow to Benedict. I wished to see them resolute in this too. After they had left, it had fallen apart, that iron will. I told Gerard that I had lied, that I did in fact care about the others.

Finally the battle had come and once again I surprised myself. I approached Benedict with the intent to protect Eric and Gerard instead of with vengeance in mind. What had happened to me? What was happening? I felt that my heart and mind were falling to chaos, yet I knew not why?

The fight... Why hadn't I dealt the final blow? I had every reason to and every opportunity. I could have stopped Gizette and split Benedict's head right there, but I let her take him away. Why?

Why? Why did I only wish to hurt him in the end? Why did I only want him to suffer? Why, when I had already defeated his blade, did I hold back my own? Sgathaich had screamed for his life's blood, I knew.

I tried to remember all the reasons why I hated him so much. I tried to embrace them, to bring back what he had taken away. I tried to remember... and then I slept. It was the first time I slept in the days since my mothers vigil. I slept like the dead and dreamt.

I dreamt of the grassy field where, just beyond, the dark trees of forest Arden stood tall like soldiers. As my father narrated the battle between Bleys and the general himself, the trees had indeed taken the place of the demon troops. Taking up my practice sword, I played the role of Benedict. He pretended to be Bleys and let me win.

I dreamt of the time that stern serious man had come to visit. He showed up every once in a while 'to check on my progress', he said. He seemed uncomfortable when I rushed up to my father and asked him if we would all be dining together. I remember him looking at my father with hatred in his eyes after that.

I dreamt of the time I had tried to sneak off with Julian's troops to watch them march to a Golden Circle Kingdom. I was discovered and father had acted furious even though I saw pride in his eyes at the same time.

I dreamt of the whispers when my father was away, and he was often away. They spoke of us. He was a legend and I was a troublemaker. They knew I would never live up to a legend and so did I. No matter what I did or how much I tried... No matter how much I grew up...

I would never be like him.

Never be... like Benedict.

I dreamed that I was screaming.

My eyes were open, and my ears were ringing when I realized that the screams had only been in my mind. I could hear them still. Their illusionary noise was fading but it still drowned out everything else around me. I had been so young, so oblivious as to what was really happening around me. When had I thought of Benedict like that? When had I outgrown those thoughts? I understood now why my real father hated him so.

Back then, I had been a hostage to Lucien's loyalty. That was why I had never been taken into shadow. That was why my real father had never let me travel with him. Lucien was around so little because my mother was not welcome in Amber, and because of his work. He wasn't allowed to take me anywhere with him.

I felt even more tired and miserable that before my sleep, but my wound were better. Turning my head, I tried to figure out what was going on around me. I needed something to distract me long enough for my dreams to fade.

-- GhenkiTseng - 25 Jun 2007

There. I left my waking location open in case I'm moved. If something happens to invalidate this story(like someone stabbing me), I'll amend it or something.

-- GhenkiTseng - 25 Jun 2007

Yay! Once again, really great! Thanks for the story, Ghen-ki

-- BenBernard - 25 Jun 2007

Oh, Ghen-ki... good work. Your stories are sooo cool.

-- LeslieLightfoot - 25 Jun 2007

Nicely done again, Ghen-ki.

-- ChrisLightfoot - 26 Jun 2007